AD/HD and Divorce Mediation

Written by Judith M. Glasser, Ph.D..

Parenting an ADHD child can be very stressful on a marriage, especially if another family member also has the disorder.   While there is not much research in this area, a recent study (Wymbs, 2007) revealed that parents of children with ADHD were more likely to divorce and had shorter marriages prior to divorce than parents of children without ADHD.

In addition, children with ADHD seem to be more vulnerable than other children in the years following the divorce of their parents.  Children who experienced behavior problems before the divorce are likely to act even worse in reaction to the break up of their parents’ marriage. There is often an increase in aggressive behavior and a decline in grades in the year following a divorce.

There is a strong body of literature that makes it clear that marital conflict is harmful for children (e.g. Cummings and Davies, 1994).  And raising a child with ADHD can certainly add to the stress and conflict in a marriage.  For example, Wymbs (2007) found that parents of children with ADHD had more fights and lower marital satisfaction than those without children with ADHD.

A common question parents ask is whether or not they should stay together for the sake of the children.  Cummings and Davies concluded, based on their research, that whatever will reduce the conflict in the family is what is best for children.  If parental separation and divorce reduces the conflict between the parents, this is the better option.  However, parents that have a very conflictual relationship while married, have a high chance of continuing that conflict as divorced parents as they fight over money, visitation, and child rearing patterns.

Dispute resolution techniques such as mediation can help to greatly reduce parental conflict and create an atmosphere in which parents can work together for the benefit of their child. Children with ADHD are already at risk for emotional difficulties due to both their neurobiology as well as to their everyday challenges. Such children badly need cooperative co-parenting to provide them the structure and support they so badly need to succeed.

Research shows (Robert Emery Ph.D. www.emeryondivorce.com) that divorce litigation increases conflict between parents after a divorce, while mediation decreases co-parenting conflict in the year after the settlement of the dispute. 

Mediation focuses on three key sets of issues:

• development of a parenting plan
• division of property and
• provision of financial support. 

Developing a parenting plan

An understanding of ADHD is extremely important in developing parenting plans. 

• Visitation schedules that meet the needs of the child. First of all children with ADHD often have difficulty with executive functions which include planning, organization, time estimation, time management, and handling transitions (switching activities).  This means that traveling back and forth between homes will be more difficult for these children than for others of similar ages. Creative solutions are needed. For example, some parents have found that “nesting,” where the children stay in the home and the parents travel back and forth, is less disruptive for these children.

In other families with children with ADHD, children move back and forth between parental homes, but with less frequency than is customary in order to reduce the disruption for the child.

Visitation schedules should change as children increase in age, always with a focus on what is best for the child.

• Agreement on consistency between households.  The need for consistency between homes is greater for these children who benefit from external structure and support.  As much as possible, family rules and daily patterns and practices should be the same in both households.

• Need for support for both parents and child. Parents need help in staying focused on their child’s needs rather than their own. Parents will need to use all the supports they can get to assist them with co-parenting.  Supports might include parent counseling, parenting coordinators, as well as online technology in the way of family calendars.  Skoach, online life management software, may be helpful if both parents and child have access to the calendar and planning features so that homework planned in one house can easily be accessed in the other house.           

Division of property

Again, it is critical that the needs of the children be taken into account in the division of property. Children with ADHD are more vulnerable to change. Some families have agreed to allow the parent with primary custody to remain in the family home to provide stability to their child, rather than selling it to divide the proceeds.

Provision of financial support

The cost of services that children with ADHD need must be calculated as parents are engaging in financial planning and determining child support. Children with ADHD may need a variety of services including psychiatric services, behavior therapy, family counseling, tutoring, coaching and possibly private school. As parents work together with a mediator to address these expenses cooperatively, they need to search for new solutions. For example, they may find that mental health services are much more affordable if both parents insure the child through their own group insurance. The need for such services should also inform a parent’s decision to change jobs if insurance coverage might be reduced as a result of the job change.

Although divorce may be the best solution in a high conflict marriage, the impact upon vulnerable children with ADHD can be minimized by using conflict resolution techniques such as mediation to reduce conflict and to develop parenting plans that keep the strengths and weaknesses of the child in mind.

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